Dead people feel more alive than we do

Last night, after finishing a glass of milk tea and having my fighting fish meet his female counterpart, Kim and I sat down and watched Ikiru by Akira Kurosawa.

I never really thought I would like Japanese films so much. If it weren't for my dorm mate who studies at UP, I wouldn't have known their Film Institute had these things. I've grown to liking Akira Kurosawa's work after seeing Dreams when I was still in grade school. Actually, I didn't know he was the director until my dorm mate told me (laughs). But his work made such an impression that until now I still remember what happened in the movie. I recall four different stories in one: the child who witnessed the wolves/ foxes' wedding, the demon in the volcano, the dead woman's funeral, the painting. Still young then, I didn't really catch the message of the second and fourth (laughs). 

The film Ikiru ("To Live") is about a man who has worked as the Public Affairs Section Chief for thirty years. He has stomach cancer, a married son who still lives in his house, and a nosy maid. He goes by the name Watanabe. Aside from having stomach cancer, he doesn't know (or forgot) HOW to live that he had to ask a stranger at a local pub to show him what "living" is like. Nor does he know what living FEELS like until he got to spend time with his exuberant employee, Toyo. 

What struck me about the movie was the truth in it. Well, all of Kurosawa's films had truths in them... but this was by far the most relatable. 

How so?

We think that to be responsible for something, we must forget about ourselves. Watanabe's wife died when his son was still young. Despite the constant coaxing of his friend (close relative or friend?) to marry again, he didn't for he had his son. He needs to work to support them both. Toyo did not approve of his excuse since it meant he was accusing his son of being the reason why he is leading a miserable life. He had a choice. He could have married and saved himself from the loneliness. His son no longer looked at him the same way despite him [son] living under the same roof with his wife. He was only after his father's pension.

Happiness is a choice. This was made clear by Toyo. She was poor, but she never looked down upon herself at all. She was so happy! She was the only person in their department who thinks that what they were doing was boring (laughs). She said there wasn't much to do that she would be better off taking up another job (there really wasn't, which makes me wonder why Watanabe is so "busy"). This made Watanabe like her very much that spending time with her was like spending time with the him before he turned into a "mummy", as what Toyo nicknamed him. 

If you want to get things done, do it yourself. The last thing Watanabe did was head the construction of the park. The heads of the other departments and the Deputy Mayor were not in favor of it, turning their heads from Watanabe's proposal. What made them cave in was pity, which really pisses me off. I mean, can't they see that building the park is a good thing? If it weren't for Watanabe's persistence (if it weren't for his illness that is), nothing would have happened and the locals would just be directed from one department to another.

We want to spare ourselves the trouble. The movie also shed some light about the government (in the movie was depicted as the city office). It just goes to show that officials don't want to get involved. They want to spare themselves the trouble. It's pitiful. Not really pitiful... disgusting might be a good word for it.

There are people who take all the credit that is not rightfully theirs. I honestly wanted to punch the Deputy Mayor in the face for saying it was the Engineering and Parks Construction Department that should be regarded and not Watanabe for it was not in his department to do such a task. There are some people who are just like that: taking full credit when those who did everything don't. I was happy when these officials, who were so proud of themselves for doing something they didn't, felt guilty. They lied and they know they did.

We just want to save our asses. Sad, but true. The time was the Deputy Mayor was badmouthing Watanabe (not to mention it was during Watanabe's wake!), no one disagreed with him. Since he was of a higher rank, no one dared to oppose him. Everyone just sucked up to him. 

To lead a meaningful life, one must find purpose in it. What do I mean by this? The reason why Watanabe can't remember anything special about his stay in the office, was because... there wasn't really anything happening. There was no sense of purpose in there at all. Everyone was just minding their own business, seated in those rickety chairs, flipping through papers... no wonder Toyo got fed up. What a mundane lifestyle! Watanabe's purpose was to help people, and it made his position even more fulfilling. He was a member of the city office, and that IS its main purpose: to put the locals' interests first. He took the trouble. Unfortunately, the one that came after him did not follow his example.

In conclusion:

We have choice. We can choose to be happy, or not; to do something, or not. 

We are here for a purpose. I guess our purpose in life is to live how we can. To live it unselfishly, to not only pursue our own interests, to act. 

** I also got to watch Rashomon, Throne of Blood, Ran, and Seven Samurai (thanks to Sir Ron for letting me borrow!)

My Summer (late entry)

It's been four months since I last saw home. 

I was moving my stuff into my new dorm, carefully sorting through the rubbish that has accumulated for two years. I was able to turn in four bags of crumpled up scratch paper and busted stuff. Who knew that so much trash was stored in my drawers? Graded papers, quizzes, and tests were strewn on the floor, with me in the middle of it. Why do I still have these?

Our landlady was planning to have the house we were staying in rented out. She was going to leave for Canada, and will be staying there with her family for six months. After six months, she'll be coming back. The news came as a tornado. We were all seated in a circle with our landlady in front of us. "I will be renting out this place starting on June," she said. We tried reasoning with her. June was three months away. And with tests, summer class. and whole lot of other things in between, the task will be difficult. "Could you give us more time to look for another dorm?" we asked.

She shook her head. And that was that.

The sun was setting. The whitewashed walls turned a soft orange as the sun's rays hits the surface. I watch Prince and Andrew, my two fighting fishes, dart here and there in their tanks. It was quiet. THUNK. I unload another bag filled with papers. This is taking longer than I thought.

*

Under the blistering heat of the sun, I took a stroll along Abada for the dormitories on my list. I spent the night surfing the internet for them. Pretty, but costly.

"Thank you!" Another one scratched off my list.

Well, I couldn't say it wasn't fun. Finding a new dorm not on the list exhilarated me! It was like being in a egg hunt. Call me crazy, but thinking that way made the task less tedious.

A day has passed with me finding a dorm and crossing out five. I was sweaty. That was my third shirt. I entered the house and plunked my keys on the television, turned on the fan and sat in the chair situated in front of it. Ate Judith was in the kitchen."Aalis na kayo Yel... (You're leaving...)" Ate Judith frowned.

She didn't take the news just as well as we did. She too didn't want us to separate, let alone have the house rented out. "Yeah." was all I could say. We have already lost the fight before we could even get out battle gear on. "That's just how it is..." At least we tried.

*

"Did you try this one?" my dorm mate asked. She was also hunting. We would usually report what we found over dinner. Funny that we bond more when our time together is almost up.

In most nights, we sit in the living room, drooling as the chef on television takes out the roasted turkey from the oven, then thinking about what we could possible do with a small burner and a microwave. I really don't know why we torture ourselves like that. "Do you want cake?" one of us would ask as they suddenly caved in to the rumblings of their stomach once the show got to the dessert-making part.

"Why do we watch this?" I asked. I waited for fifteen seconds for the answer. That would mean that after fifteen seconds, the string of commercials rolled, and the reason behind their fixation to the television screen was taking a two-minute break on the other side of the world.

"Nothing," someone would reply.

"Yeah, I found this one near here." I give her the address. Looking for a place to stay for another two years is serious business. Not even the three-foot chocolate cake can sway us.

*

"Sir?" I was panting. This was our last requirement for the summer, a major requirement at that. Time seemed to have slowed down the moment we saw our professor at the door. We handed him the envelope containing our earlier drafts and the final thing. We were panting not because we ran, almost got run over by vehicles or because of the cute guy walking down the street. Our hearts were pounding in our chest! We were a good seventeen minutes past the deadline, and our professor had the option not to accept it. "Sir?" I say again, as he flicks through the first few pages. I forgot how to breathe.

"Okay."

*

PZZZT. Tape-mummified cardboard box done! Apparently, I had way too much fun securing the flaps. I really don't think it is normal for one to finish one roll of tape on just two medium-sized boxes. PZZZZT. "There!" the last box was wrapped up in clear film. "Now what am I going to do with you two?" I eye my two fighting fishes, oblivious to what was going on inside the room. "They're fish. Why would they care?"

I stack the mummified boxes one on top of the other. The only thing left to do now is sweep the floor, kill leftover dust bunnies, and take a bath.

To be continued...

Quote 11

And to think I decided to update this site more often. Haha. Anyway... what have I been up to for the past few days?

Hell month is officially over. Finals and the last requirement for the semester was submitted yesterday. 

I have to say the school was practically deserted, save for the security guards in the premises and students rushing towards the LS Bookstore to purchase pasalubong for their family and friends. 

I was taking a stroll. I've never actually gotten a chance to do it due to schoolwork. And it was too troublesome to walk around when stressing over requirements and approaching deadlines. 

All I heard was the rustling of the leaves. The wind whipped my hair making the heat bearable. The thing I like about summer, is that the day starts beautifully! The rays of the sun pour through the window, casting rays down on your sleeping form until it gets too hot and you're forced to get up (haha!). Some people may find this annoying... but once you open your eyes, it's such a wonderful sight. Next time I'll get you guys a picture! 

I actually planned to go to school again today. Reason? To take pictures of the most quiet yet noisiest place in Katipunan. The school grounds is the perfect subject for such a thing! 

Anyway, I'll get on to business and share the 11th quote:

"Accept what you are able to do and what you are not able to do."

I wanted to say this to those who just graduated. Right now, perhaps some of them might be regretting for not being to do or get what they wanted. Perhaps they didn't get to finish what they started. But this quote tells us that, nothing will happen if you sulk, if you give up, if you don't try to start over. 

So what if what you wanted to happen didn't, out of your own recklessness or lack of initiative, or you simply realized that you shouldn't have taken things for granted? Brooding way too much in such matters that have already happened won't change anything. Might as well take the first step and move forward. 

You'll get back. You'll be better. You will be different from what you were before. All these things happen for a reason. And we have to keep in mind that the outcome depends on how we respond. If you haven't taken the initiative before, do so now. If you used to take things for granted, grab every opportunity starting from now on. You were reckless, think things through thoroughly. 

We fall, we stumble, we lose our way. But there are people out there, perhaps those whom you least expect, to pull you out of the gutter. There's always a way out... you just have to be persistent in finding it. The bruises or wounds will eventually fade into scars, the memory will remain, but bit by bit you are healed. 

There is hope. 

You can change. Improve. We have the freedom to do so. 

We weren't programmed to be just one person. If we were, how can we change? We would just keep on doing the same thing all over again. 

There are sides of oneself that lay hidden, and it takes a great deal to pull that out. That's why we tend to surprise ourselves at times.

Don't give up. Giving up would be the worst mistake one could ever make. 

Working Things Out

So here I am in front of the computer, supposedly working on my presentation for class on Monday, but ended up writing about something instead. 


For the past several weeks I've been experiencing nothing but physical and mental exhaustion: doing several things in one week, having to work on your schedule to make sure you have time for everything... I have to say I SUCK in time management.


I wouldn't say I was not at fault in the whole thing. I'm not blaming anyone for it. I should be expecting this before I even took the course. Besides, it's not like I'm not the type of person who would not be tempted to do something other than what they're supposed to do (like now). So much for being organized and responsible *rolls eyes in exasperation*. Perhaps it's just my way of letting out steam... problem is I have a difficult time knowing WHEN to stop (now THAT sucks).


I just realized that I haven't posted for quite a while now. And I think it's fitting (since I have some time) to do add another quote to our list. 


I wrote this in one of my friend's planner. I got it from one of Paulo Coelho's books, and I think this would apply to most of us (oh yes, escapism).


A lot of people go through the same difficulties we went through, and they react completely differently. We look for the easiest way out: A SEPARATE REALITY.


Everything depends on you really. It is how you react to the situation that matters. Most people prefer to live with the illusion that everything is "perfect". That everything's going the way they wanted it to be, unaware that what's happening outside dreamland is entirely different. 


Living with that illusion... is just too selfish. Since you're happy with it, doesn't mean others are as well. I know we all don't want to get hurt with the fact that not everything is how we want it to be. I know being optimistic is a good thing, but there's a difference between it, and being foolish and delusional. We just have to accept that this is how life is. Nothing comes without making an effort nor taking the initiative. 


Based from experience, saying, "I give up" or "Nothing's going to change" is a lot easier than saying, "I'll give it a shot". Knowing the risks of failing... no wonder people want to live in 'their' world. In there you wouldn't get hurt, nothing would fail, and there aren't any risks for you knew what's bound to happen. But escaping reality would affect other people as well. And I don't mean others, I was talking about me hurting myself. Sooner or later I would end up regretting. And the worst thing that could ever happen is to regret for not trying. Saying that everything's all right when it wasn't, and thinking that trying won't get you anywhere when it could have. 


So you might as well take the risk instead of pushing the situation to the backseat and regretting that you did once realization finally hits. That illusion of yours will disappear eventually once reality kicks you hard on the backside. You'll would find yourself in a tight spot if you don't wake up... soon. 

Letters from Iwo Jima Soundtrack and a few other things

Watched this movie earlier. And, as always, the soundtrack got my attention.

It all began in the year 1944. The Japanese were at war with the Americans. General Kuribayashi was assigned to lead a group of men to defend the island Iwo Jima. The island appears to be the country's first line of defense against the Americans (more like a huge barricade that the enemy would have to break down to get inside the center). With it gone, the Amercians can use it as their base and effectively infiltrate the mainland.

Its good to get to see the other side of the coin for once. While browsing through the comments of the viewers (I was looking for a video of the soundtrack), a some people were enraged by the change in 'position'. I for one think that there is no such thing as protagonists or antagonists when it comes to war. Who is what in the first place? You call the opposing side the antagonist, but aren't you also in their eyes? I think it all boils done to survival instincts: one becomes an enemy if they are seen as a threat.

But seeing the turn of events, and comparing them with other war movies, one can't help but find similarities between the two: sons and fathers were sent out leaving their families behind, their desire to live and to return home [miraculously] unscathed or preferrably in one piece, the lack of support and other necessities (rations and ammunition). Although in said movies the opposing side will be depicted as ruthless, savage, aggressive, and any other adjective you can associate with a barbarian, I can't help but feel pity. I mean, it was the conditions that made them that way. Going back to the movie, the general was asked whether he would shoot his friend, an American, if a war would erupt between the two countries (which strangely DID happen). The general said he would for the sake of his country. If it weren't for the circumstances I doubt he would.

All in all it was beautiful. Clint Eastwood is... wow. He's now on my favorite director list. Haha.

You're annoying, yet I still love you

I don't know why… but I always find making dialogues a lot easier than making stories. Maybe it's because when I find a scene involving two people, everything just seems to center on how those two are connected. May it just be the briefest of glances or hour-long conversations, the scenery takes a backseat in the whole thing.

I was inspired by The Matrix script and figured that I should just finish what I started. ^^

So here's something I wrote a week ago. Nothing much really. It's basically about a woman finally having the courage to confess her feelings to a guy, even though she knows that it would only be a one-sided love. Typical romantic theme (yeah… I'm a sucker for that kind of stuff). Haha.

Her

Can I talk to you for a second?

Her voice is a tad bit higher than normal, in order for him to hear her above the din. He looks at her. There’s a hint of urgency in her voice. He smiles and nods.

Him

Sure.

They come out through the fire exit. It was snowing, and the only light source was the light bulb above them. He was wearing slacks and a dark blue polo, clad in a heavy khaki brown trench coat. He manages without a scarf. She was wearing thick black leggings, black boots, a navy blue button-up coat, a gray scarf and a black beanie. Her cheeks are red from the cold.

Him

What's wrong?

She moves away from him, her face barely illuminated by the lamp light, but he can still make out her features.

Him

Are you cold?

Silence.

Him

Did something happ-?

Her

I love you.

He is taken aback by the straightforward confession. Her eyes were averted, apparently fixed on a garbage can on his right. Her actions abandoning what she was trying to display: a gutty female.

Him

Oh.

He smiles. He is aware of the gravity of the situation.   

Him

I'm flattered, but… I'm sorry. I can't feel for you the same way.

Tears stream down her face. This takes him by surprise. The last thing he wanted was to make a girl cry.

Him

Why are you crying?

She wipes away her tears.

Her

Because I'm frustrated! I know you wouldn't but I still am hoping you would!

Him

I already have someone. You do know that don’t you?

She nods.

Him

Then why-?

Her

I don't want to regret. I don't want to slap myself in the face one day, saying that I should have done something.

  

She stops crying.

Her

I'm telling you now because I’m afraid of getting hurt. I don't want to misinterpret your actions thinking that what happened tonight is the reason behind them. If you choose to ignore me or avoid me, at least I won't be here. It would be less painful for me.

Him

What makes you think I would do such a thing?

Her

It is one of your options in dealing with this.

Him

Whatever happens I would never ignore you.

Her

How can I be sure?

Him

You should know by now that I’m not that type of guy…

Her

How would I know? The mind is complex. I would expect you to do something, but you have the option to do another or something out of character.

Him

Then that just means you don’t know me all too well.

Her

I’m sure about one thing!

Him

…

Her

I know you're annoying!

Him

Hey! Wait a minute!

Her

And even though you are I STILL love you!

Him

…

She sighs, closing her eyes. One can see a cloud of smoke escape from her lips. Snowflakes get caught on her eyelashes. He doesn’t make a sound.

Her

You seldom finish the things you started, but when you want something, you do everything you can to get it. You're kind, you're smart, mysterious, confusing, and sweet. You make me smile with the least effort. You're a man of few words, but you don't always need words to get your message across. You're reserved… calm… but sometimes bursting into a dam that leaves everybody shaking.

She laughs softly, opening her eyes. She takes a step towards him. He doesn't budge an inch.

Her

You make me want to do more, be more… you make me better. There are so many things about you that I haven't quite figured out yet, and those should be enough to stop me from liking you. But… I can't…

She takes another step forward. He stands still.
 

Her

You're like a magnet… and I hate it!

She looks away.

Her

But I can't do anything to stop myself. It's annoying.

She closes her eyes. She's looking the other way. She sighs.

Her

I know you like her. And I bet she likes you too.

She reverts her attention back to him and smiles.

Her

She's lucky.

Him

I’m sorry…

She smiles and nods.

Her

Good-bye.

She goes back inside through the fire exit, leaving him standing underneath the dim light.

Okay… so I WAS able to add in some details in the end. Haha! Hope you like the short… dialogue. :D I might make more of these in the near future (when I have the time).

Jewelry Box

Since you trust me with the things most precious to you: they'll be just as precious to me too.

 
 

Even more.